Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
