K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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