The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
