Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
