Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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