had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
