New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
