I wish I could teleport
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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