i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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