Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
