So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
