I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
