I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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