I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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