Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
