you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
