Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
