I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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