Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
