Apparently you make a good broom.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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