as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
