He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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