found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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