i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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