We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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