My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
