im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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