So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We got so high we made milksteak
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
