I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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