when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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