why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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