In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
