He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh god it's open bar.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
