my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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