Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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