just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
