I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
