hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
