thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
