I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
