; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I need to sanitize my soul.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
