I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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