Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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