wanna go halves on a baby?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
