Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
