my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
