My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That accounts for only three of the penises
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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