Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
