grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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