you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
