i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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