Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
