She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
